Non-Recent Ideas

MCASC

The Maryland Chapter of the Anti-Squirrel Coalition

Older ideas ~

Recent Ideas (4/22/97)

A Squirrel, apparently trying to attack me, scared me half to death today by jumping at my window and hanging on the screen. Apparently they know where I live. They have been following me and making noises from trees. I think its because I have spotted the supreme leader! It was a squirrel with yellow ears. They are closely monitoring me, so I can't say much more.... (1/6/97)

Coming home at Christmas time I saw almost no squirrels. At first I took this to be a good sign, but then I realized it really wasn't. Obviously if they were going to blow up my house or something they would all evacuate the area first.
The tires on my car keep going flat for no apparent reason. There is nothing wrong with the tires; they just go flat, but whe you pump them back up they are fine again. Obvioulsy the squirrels must be doing this. Somehow they are overcoming their lack of opposable thumbs, because they manage to get the cap back on the valve nicely.
Yesterday my brother dressed all in grey, grabbed a handfull of mixed nuts, and announced he was going to "Live with the squirrels and become accepted into their society." This made me happy because A. My brother is annoying and B. Even if he is trying to help them, I am sure his precense alone will set them back at least 20 years. Since he is unware of my position here at MCSASC I do not have to worry about security leaks. [Note... the squirrels didn't seem to accept him. They might be more intelligent than I thought]

(12/05/95)

Last week a squirrel outside the Engineering building here at UMCP almost tripped me. It was busy dragging a 5 foot long paper towel to an undisclosed location. Anyway this must be some new phase of their quest for world domination.

Obviously the plan is to deplete the world supply of paper towels. Human kind will then be unable to wash our hands. Then the squirrels will release their engineered bacteria that is passed by unclean hands and kills off our species.

I plan to avert this fate by stockpiling paper towels in a place where the squirrels will never get them. I cannot disclose this place, as the squirrels are monitoring this page.

------Director in Chief Weaver

(11/17/96)

The squirrels are really out in droves here at UMCP. They seem to be stroing acorns for the eventual nuclear holocaust they plan. They will stay in their little fallout shelters eating their acorns until humanity is dead.

They also seem to be gradually occupying those circular thingies that are for hanging posters on. You know they have those all over. Many are inhabited by squirrels.

Also the squirrels no who I am now and they seem to follow me. Occasionally they run under my feet, as if to prove they could eliminate me at any time.

Currently I am working on a plan.

I have sent a nasty e-mail to the leader of the SQUIRREL CLAN (see links below) telling him he is a traitor the human race.
-------------Director in Chief Weaver

Back to the MCASC page

Back to my homepage.