The following was written in Fall of 1995 after being forced to read too many Austen books in AP English class. I prefer my take to the more recent ones involving zombies.

Chapter 40½ of Pride and Prejudice: The Martians from War of the Worlds invade 70 years early!

by Vince Weaver

Wickham: [hurried, bursting into Netherfield] Have you heard the news? Of the explosion? Of the men from Mars?

Mr. Bennet: What say you? What men from Mars? What explosion? Have you gone crazy?

Wickham: I kid you not. Just last week my cousin, who is your uncle's niece's brother's cousin, Ogilvy, (who is an astronomer at the Royal Observatory) say explosios on the planet Mars!

Mr. Bennet: What does this have to do with us, or explosions, or the price of tea in Ceylon? You are babbling like a summer brook.

Wickham: Your interruption would be founded if not for the following news I have. Just this evening a large cylinder crashed in Horsell Commons, near Woking. And get this - we believe there might be men from Mars in there.

Mr. Bennet: Surely you do not expect me to believe these stories.

Wickham: Well, I do not care if you do or not, but as for me, the entire troop regiment has been ordered to Woking to keep the crowds out. I must leave at once [he leaves]

Lydia: [who has overheard the conversation] Oh father, hw brave he is. We must go to Woking to see this curious cylinder.

Mr. Gardiner: [runs in the door] Have you head the news? About the men from Mars? I have a paper from London! It is causing quite a stir! My wife and I are heading to Horshell Common to see the occurrance. Would you like to come?

Mr. Bennet: am sorry, but my studies do not permit me to chase around phantom Martians. I am sorry but I must decline.

Lydia: Father, could I go? It must be so exciting there with all the soldiers to flirt with and the strange creatures to see. I would be careful, and Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner would watch me. Oh please, father!

Mr. Bennet: I am quite sure these mysterious imgainary Martians will keep the militia busy enough without your distracting them.

Mr. Gardiner: Really, she'll be no trouble. We'll -- what is that! THe sky is green!

Lydia: A giant falling star!

Mr. Bennet: It is one of your phantom cylinders!


Mr. Bennet: It appears to have landed at Netherfield Park and destroyed the grounds! Horrors! My dear wife and three of my darling [ed. - more annoying] girls are there!

Elizabeth: [runs in] Father! What was that noise!? What is that weird glow emenating from Netherfield?

Wickham: [bursts in] A third cylinder! It is the third! Metallic machines are advancing on London, and now a cylinder here! I must flee! [exits]

Lydia: He cannot leave! His batallion has juts gone the other way with weapons! He is fleeing the wrong way!

Mr. Bennet: Well, the militia will soon put an end to this alien menace. What could stand up to a 20 lb. volley, except maybe the Spanish?

[Bright flash of light, the house catches on fire]

Mr. Gardiner: [up until now had been silent, removed] Oh no! The paper was right when it told about a heat ray that could kill at 150 yards! I thought it was lying. We must flee!

[Cannon fire is heard]

Elizabeth: Oh no! The aliens have just destroyed the Hurst house down the lane! I suppose the Winter Ball there will have to be cancelled.

[Boom! The house explodes. They all die. Soon the aliens die too -- from Earth microbes. England never fully recovered, Germany won WWII with nuclear weapons, and everyone dies of radiation poisoning by 1951. ]

The End

There is a comment at the end in green ink from Mrs. Klarich, the AP English teacher: The only resemblence to the original that I can detect is the names.
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