\documentclass[lineno,titlepage,oneside]{play} \begin{document} \let\twoside=0 \title{ THE TRAGEDY OF STEVE\\ {\sc Special Edition} } \author{ Vincent M. Weaver\\ vince@deater.net\\ http://www.deater.net/weave\\ \date{1 April 2001} } \maketitle % % Quotations Page % Not really satisfied with the way this turned out \pagenumbering{roman} {\LARGE Some Quotations\\} {\bf From {\em Catch 22}, the book that got me a 5 on the AP English exam.}\\ \begin{quote} ``You've got flies in your eyes. That's probably why you can't see them.'' \begin{flushright} ---Yossarian\\ \end{flushright} \end{quote} \begin{quote} ``I'd rather have peanut brittle crumbs on my face than flies in my eyes.'' \begin{flushright} ---Havermyer\\ \end{flushright} \end{quote} {\bf Appropriate quotes} \begin{quote}``You have too much free time.'' \begin{flushright}--- Everyone \end{flushright} \end{quote} \begin{quote} ``Time we enjoy wasting is not wasted.'' \begin{flushright}--- Steve, senior yearbook quote \end{flushright} \end{quote} \begin{quote} ``Time you enjoyed wasting is not wasted time.'' \begin{flushright}--- T. S. Elliot\\[4pc] \end{flushright} \end{quote} {\bf Fabricated Quotes about {\em The Tragedy of Steve}:} \begin{quote}``We haven't read it.'' \begin{flushright}--- The JC Patriot \end{flushright} \end{quote} \begin{quote} ``We haven't either.'' \begin{flushright}--- The Baltimore Sun \end{flushright} \end{quote} \begin{quote} ``Best [only] play I've ever written.'' \begin{flushright}--- Vince Weaver \end{flushright} \end{quote} \begin{quote} ``According to the JC Handbook students may not write Shakespearean tragedies without a \$50 permit.''\\ \begin{flushright}--- John Carroll Administration \end{flushright} \end{quote} % % Hairold's Intro % \newpage \begin{center} {\LARGE {\bf Foreword from the First Edition}}\\ by Hairold Weaver, G.P. \end{center} Saddeningly, hardly anyone writes Shakespearean tragedy anymore. Some attribute this to the death of Shakespeare, others to lack of interest. Personally I attribute the discrepancy to the difficulty of writing in iambic pentameter. This first edition play is great fun. It is especially well written, considering the author is an aspiring engineer. I have attempted to footnote the play, documenting obscure terms and references as I saw necessary. The play starts out with cryptic language, as do Shakespeare's plays. The language grows simpler as the play goes on. This is primarily to show the trend of increasing confusion, a literary device known as Weavarian Reverse-Entropy. Another reason for this effect is the play was started 6 months before it was finished with large gaps in between. Watch the syllable count of all the different speakers. They are consistent throughout. Steve, of course, always has 13 syllables per line, a sure sign of doom. Note Scott, a true demagogue, speaks in Demagogic verse. Watch for the many references, to Hamlet, Henry V, the Simpsons, GI Joe, They Might be Giants, and the Bible. Also this is probably the only play in the world that contains the word ``doofus.'' I was going to highlight all the puns, irony, and references but then I realized this makes it too easy for all the students writing papers on this play. Maybe in a later edition. \begin{flushright} Hairold Weaver, Guinea Pig [1992-1998] \end{flushright} % % Beginning % \newpage \pagenumbering{arabic} \begin{center}{\LARGE{\bf THE TRAGEDY OF STEVE\\[4pc]}} \end{center} \begin{verbatim} [Dramatis Personae Scott, Governous Terra Steve, Semi-governous Terra Erin, Wife of Steve Vince, Governous Lunar Lizbeth, Wife of Vince Mree, Minion of Scott Boy as himself (from Henry V) John, kitchen worker Gus, a girl Charcoal, Yrbk, Sugar: Aliens Young Seward: Really lost (from Macbeth, if you must know) Crowds, Mobs, and other amassments of people ] [Any resemblance between the above characters and actual people, living or otherwise, is entirely co-incidental, except, of course, unless the author intended for the character to mimic a real person] \end{verbatim} \begin{verseplay}[7em] \let\shortdirectionopen=[ \let\shortdirectionclose=] \speaker{ } % Act 1 \act % Scene 1 \scene \begin{setting} Governor's Quarters, Lunar Capitol, Moon. Lizbeth and husband Vince are in room \end{setting} \speaker{Lizbeth} \shortdirection{Frantic} Husband come quick! See the message\\ the computer has sent to me!\\ \speaker{Vince} Aye! My wife! You receive this mail\\ Electronic'ly every day.\\ Why this novelty now?\\ \speaker{Lizbeth} Understand you do not; Come quick\\ You must; I am so excited\\ My word order has inverted!\\ \speaker{Vince} I am here; there's no need to fear.\\ Please show me what excites you so!\\ \speaker{Computer} Ahh, Mr. Governor, Leader of the Moon.\\ I am glad to see you have finally come.\\ I am a renegade computer program.\\ From a mass of silicon was I given\\ The breath of life by some forgotten hacker.\\ Strange works are afoot. I have decided now\\ To give you notice about grave disaster.\\ Abandoned by humanity I have been.\\ I owe you what is less than nothing at all.\\ However I have been compelled to see you\\ And give you the following simple advice.\\ ``Before a million seconds have passed away\\ The commander of the great sphere will be dead.\\ His ill-fated successor shall take control,\\ Which will cause much grief, fear, and gnashing of teeth.''\\ This is all I can say\\ I must now go away\\ This humanness has made me feel flaw\'{e}d.\\ \shortdirection{exit computer program} \speaker{Lizbeth} What an ungrateful brute! How completely rude!\\ While we provide him with electricity\\ And build and maintain his entire domain\\ He considers us humans to be flaw\'{e}d.\\ \speaker{Vince} We are flawed with much more than our\\ Original sin, so we should\\ See the truth in the things he says.\\ As he is true to say that we\\ Are flawed, maybe he is right too\\ With his very vague prediction.\\ I will inform my good friend Steve\\ Noble vice-dictator of Earth\\ To see if there is any cause\\ To see truth in this program's curse.\\ \shortdirection{exuent both} %Act 1 Scene 2 \scene \setcounter{line}{1} \begin{setting} The scene begins in room of vice-dictator Steve, in Bel Air, Maryland, Capitol of the Dictatorship of Earth. Steve is currently over-dramatizing his problems \end{setting} \speaker{Steve} A dark shadow has fallen across the face of Earth.\\ An evil presence much worse than anyone can see.\\ My duty is to protect the innocent people\\ Vice dictatorship has many responsibilities.\\ \speaker{Erin} Calm down! Calm down! Why are you so distressed!\\ Why are you suddenly so concern\'{e}d?\\ \speaker{Steve} I allowed a demon to achieve power unscathed.\\ Thinking him good, I allowed him to move up unchecked\\ Our savior unified the world, but at what great cost?\\ I cannot stand idly by while our sphere collapses.\\ The evil Scott must be removed from power today!\\ \longdirection{Video Phone Rings\dots Steve Answers} Oh Vince, it is you. What do you want my lunar friend?\\ \speaker{Vince} All hail to Scott our demagogue\\ And to his subordinate Steve.\\ Although a living hunk of rock\\ Is what a computer may seem,\\ A generous mineral has seen\\ To foreshadow things that may come.\\ \speaker{Steve} What mind altering drug are you taking my friend?\\ You have worked too hard to achieve your frontier outpost.\\ A computer that thinks? What next? A murderer of kings?\\ \speaker{Vince} You have jumped the gun a little\\ Yet ironically you are right.\\ A sentient abacus has said\\ That a great leader soon shall fall\\ And his doomed successor likewise.\\ You, being second in command,\\ I believed that you might believe.\\ \speaker{Steve} What nonsense you believe just because of machines.\\ Has your toaster also seen these visions of terror?\\ Was warning given to you by your washing machine?\\ Are your fluorescent lights sending you Morse code signals?\\ This conversation tires me. You will leave me now.\\ \speaker{Vince} There is a tragic flaw I see\\ In all you say and all you do.\\ Pride is it! You have been warned.\\ These things I've told you may be true,\\ Some day you may regret it too\dots\\ \shortdirection{Click. Steve hangs up} \speaker{Erin} My dear, who was that? Was it a salesman?\\ The scourge of the time, they constantly call\\ Selling graves and goods or asking for gold,\\ While calling at six as dinner grows cold.\\ Hopefully demagogue Scott's decree stays\\ That all who make the grave error of this\\ Heinous occupation shall be hang\'{e}d.\\ A capital idea, I should say.\\ \speaker{Steve} Have I not told you not to mention that cretin's name!\\ I rue the day I made that large contribution to\\ That doofus's revolutionary campaign fund.\\ In the middle of my plans to set everything right\\ That lunatic Vince calls and babbles useless nonsense.\\ ``A great leader shall fall'' he claims his computer says.\\ If this were the demagogue I would be truly glad\\ But he talks of the tragedy of the successor.\\ Go! Leave now! Depart! For now I must plan the future.\\ \shortdirection{exit Erin} That mockery, Scott, a farce of a great dictator.\\ His policy lousy, His purges ineffective.\\ The world is no better since the time of his conquest.\\ He will die! He must die! He must not live! He will die!\\ And obviously I would be a good successor.\\ My skills are high, my intelligence too. I would be\\ Justified in this coup. If only I could see\\ The future before it happens! Oh Nostradamus!\\ I will meditate until the answer comes to me.\\ %Act 1 Scene 3 \scene \setcounter{line}{1} \begin{setting} Vince at home on Moon \end{setting} \speaker{Vince} Computer program, are you there?\\ I have great respect for you now.\\ But my friend Steve will not heed you.\\ He is a good man; firm in his\\ Beliefs. He will do what is right.\\ I am not sure of this Scott guy,\\ But things on Earth are ripe for change.\\ Change is good, but it can be bad\\ If it is in the wrong way.\\ \speaker{Computer} \shortdirection{Suddenly} Lunar governor you are as wise as Steve.\\ You shall be rewarded for your helpfulness.\\ True, you are indecisive and your timing\\ Is bad, yet these all can be overcome quick.\\ You will have your time; it will be glorious\\ You have done your duty; Now I will do mine.\\ A storm is coming; beware the eye deceives.\\ When it is over you will have your life,\\ A greater gift I cannot imagine.\\ Right now I will take over contact with Steve.\\ \shortdirection{Exit Computer} \speaker{Vince} So, to be forewarned is to be\\ Forearmed and knowing is half of\\ The battle; In the dark I will\\ Trust the computer and worry\\ For what might befall my friend Steve.\\ % Act 1 Scene 4 \scene \setcounter{line}{1} \begin{setting} Steve's Home. Vice-Dictator's Mansion, Bel Air \end{setting} \speaker{Erin} My husband has been in there for hours.\\ I hope that everything will work out.\\ What is this? Why beckons the computer?\\ \shortdirection{Erin bursts into Steve's Room} \speaker{Steve} Wife? How dare you interrupt my secret planning now?\\ \speaker{Erin} Well excuse me, but a sentient program wants you now.\\ \speaker{Steve} Eh? Is it some trick? Maybe I should talk to this thing.\\ Maybe a human runs it and can offer some help.\\ Please leave ``us'' alone, for I don't wish to seem insane.\\ \shortdirection{exit Erin} O.K. fool machine, What is it that you want to say?\\ \speaker{Computer} Steve, before long you shall be the new tyrant.\\ None of this world shall be able to stop you.\\ The most evil one shall be killed, and then, in\\ His place an honorable one will make peace.\\ I will go distant now and watch the play;\\ A comedy of fools is humanity.\\ \shortdirection{exit Computer} \speaker{Steve} I hoped he would come. My plan has borne fruit perfectly.\\ A stealthy program of mine has gauged his intellect\\ Of the recently departed soothsaying program.\\ He speaks the truth! How great indeed is this turn of fate.\\ ``The most evil one shall be killed'' Indeed he will.\\ The murder of Scott will be done before too long\\ And I, ``an honorable one, will make peace.''\\ % Act 2 Scene 1 \act \scene \setcounter{line}{1} \begin{setting} New Earth Headquarters. John Carroll School, Bel Air \end{setting} \speaker{Scott} What a day it is.\\ A pretty April day.\\ The facilities are nice\\ When it's not hot or cold.\\ Climate control no good is.\\ \speaker{Mree} Sir I have today's business.\\ Who do we torture today?\\ Who do we kill? Who must die?\\ Dictatorship is great fun.\\ \speaker{Scott} Calm down my young proteg\'{e}\\ Torturing takes much time.\\ We must start small and then grow.\\ We learn from the German\\ We must, my proteg\'{e}.\\ \speaker{Mree} Sir, you have some visitors\\ Illegal aliens, they\\ Wish to help you in your goal\\ To subdue the planet Earth.\\ \speaker{Scott} What? What? Aliens?\\ What nonsense speak you of?\\ I do not comprehend you.\\ Do I have foreknowledge\\ Of these you call aliens?\\ \speaker{Mree} They requested discretion\\ Concerning their detection\\ They have an offer to make\\ Our puny planet.\\ \longdirection{ Enter Charcoal, Sugar, and Yrbk, three aliens. They are all female, or whatever passes for female on their planet. They are all evil.} \speaker{Charcoal} Greetings demagogue\\ We greet you well\\ \speaker{Sugar} We come from afar\\ With much to tell.\\ \speaker{Yrbk} Yes, we have come to offer you assistance\\ In the ruling of this planet that you rule\\ Justice, Freedom, and Fairness we will espouse.\\ This world will prosper under our partnership.\\ \speaker{Scott} What? What say you? Arrrr\dots\\ I share my reign with none.\\ Justice? Freedom? Fairness? Nein!\\ I espouse none of that.\\ Oppression is my name! Arrrr!!!\\ \speaker{Yrbk} \shortdirection{aside} He thinks too much like us to be any help.\\ We will find other means to gain control here.\\ \shortdirection{to Scott} We honorably retract our offer sir.\\ We will leave now. Perhaps we will meet again.\\ \speaker{Scott} What? Meet you again?\\ You are vile creatures, you.\\ I can sense only evil.\\ Now be gone now, you freaks.\\ Earth is better off again.\\ \shortdirection{exuent} % Act 2 Scene 2 \scene \setcounter{line}{1} \begin{setting} Steve's Room \end{setting} \speaker{Steve} The world crumbles around me. How can it be fix\'{e}d?\\ Truth and justice and happiness must be restored.\\ The totalitarian regime must be removed.\\ \speaker{Erin} Your husbandship, some weird beings are here!\\ \speaker{Steve} Weird beings? They sound like friends of you and not of me.\\ But if friends they be, send them to me, hastily.\\ \shortdirection{Enter Yrbk, Sugar, and Charcoal} \speaker{Sugar} Hi! We come in Peace\\ Greetings we bring.\\ \speaker{Charcoal} If you do not talk\\ Then we will sing.\\ \speaker{Yrbk} Sing indeed! We have important matters here.\\ Your leader Scott is most unfit for the job.\\ We wish to bring democracy and freedom\\ To all who inhabit this lowly spheroid.\\ \speaker{Steve} Where have you been? I've needed you so! I can trust you?\\ \speaker{Yrbk} We come with noblest intentions, good sir.\\ \speaker{Steve} The best kind. We must now plan and plan Scott's final end\\ Because it will be for the good of all humankind.\\ \speaker{Yrbk} Yes, your name will be remembered always.\\ Now we must get Scott when he's unprepared.\\ We will poison him while he dines on food.\\ Yes, we can taint that which he would imbibe.\\ We will make it appear botulism.\\ \speaker{Steve} Yes, this could work! I am sure the success rate is high.\\ An interplanetary dinner is tomorrow.\\ The plan to alarm the refrigerators was dropped,\\ The alcoholic beverages will be guard free.\\ Yes, I can gain you access to the kitchen tonight.\\ Scott always gets the expensive imported beer.\\ \speaker{Yrbk} Our two planets become one and we thank you.\\ This freedom will benefit your planet.\\ \speaker{Steve} Yet, I do wonder, why you wish the evil one dead?\\ You seem eager to kill this man you do not know.\\ \speaker{Yrbk} We see in you the qualities of good.\\ A good planet leader is an ally.\\ An evil one can lead to destruction\\ Of two races possibly by war.\\ We only wish peace and co-existence.\\ \speaker{Steve} Your motives seem true. I will trust your good discretion.\\ Meet me in the kitchen at oh-one hundred hours,\\ Where we will do the grimm but necessary evil.\\ If all goes well, then we should escape from this Scott free!\\ \speaker{Yrbk} It will be so, future world demagogue.\\ \shortdirection{exit Steve} Now Sugar, Charcoal and Yrbk the brave.\\ How appropriate are these English words,\\ These the anglicized versions of our names.\\ We offer them sugar to appease them\\ Yrbk is meaningless, as are their lives\\ And resistors we will burn to charcoal.\\ \shortdirection{exuent} % Act 2 scene 3 \scene \setcounter{line}{1} \begin{setting} Kitchen. JC Cafeteria, Demagogue Building. Evening. Before dinner. Gus and John, kitchen employees are working \end{setting} \speaker{Gus} ``Bring the beer. Bring the beer. The beer cannot wait.''\\ I almost wish the beer be poisonous,\\ Being ordered around by Scott, who has no patience.\\ \speaker{John} Surely you do not wish this.\\ He is a good and noble\\ Demagogue, though demanding.\\ \speaker{Gus} Yes, demanding a good slap across the face.\\ I wish I had the authority to hit\\ But soft, what is this? The royal beer is wrong.\\ Not yesterday I put it on the top shelf!\\ \speaker{John} Ahhh, you worked long that day.\\ You remember what is not.\\ Can beverages up and move?\\ \speaker{Gus} I kid you not. Maybe we should look further?\\ \speaker{Scott} \shortdirection{from outside} Arrr! I want my beer.\\ The rich foamy liquid.\\ That quenches my thirst.\\ I desire it now.\\ Sluggards, bring quickly my beer!\\ \speaker{John} Ahh, you should do as he says.\\ Maybe it will do him good.\\ Your imagination is\\ Figmenting some delusions.\\ \shortdirection{exuent} % Act 2 Scene 4 \scene \setcounter{line}{1} \begin{setting} In the dining hall (the old JC cafeteria) Vince, Boy, Lizbeth, Mree, Steve, Erin and Scott are all seated at a table, eating and discussing. \end{setting} \speaker{Scott} So, lunar leader,\\ Are you pleased with my reign\\ And the propos\'{e}d treaty?\\ And who are these people\\ You have brought with you, leader?\\ \speaker{Vince} Much has been accomplished on this\\ Diplomatic visit to Earth.\\ My contingency consists of\\ Boy, A most noble and brave servant\\ And Lizbeth, my beautiful wife.\\ \speaker{Boy} Methinks it an honor to meet you.\\ Betwixt these walls is a great leader.\\ \speaker{Mree} Yes, Scott is grand. Let's toast him.\\ \shortdirection{Gus arrives with beer} \speaker{Scott} Mree, my great servant,\\ As always your timing\\ Is impeccable. Let's toast\\ Before I become toast.\\ We will drink to the servant.\\ \speaker{Steve} \shortdirection{Aside} The irony in this sequence is astonishing.\\ \speaker{Mree} As says Scott, to the servant!\\ \shortdirection{All toast} \speaker{Scott} Something is not right.\\ This beer has a weird taste.\\ I do not feel well my friends.\\ What is this that takes place?\\ Mmmmm\dots poison beer\dots argh ug argh\\ \shortdirection{thus dies Scott} \speaker{Mree} A doctor! A doctor! Quick!\\ \shortdirection{everyone tries to help} \speaker{Boy} I have medical training. He's dead.\\ Save the beer he drank! Tests we must run!\\ \speaker{Mree} I am not evil, yet this\\ Evil has befallen me!\\ No! No! Scott my master's dead!\\ As a father he raised me.\\ Through thin and thick he guided!\\ What will I do without him?\\ What will he do without me?\\ I will join him in his fate.\\ \shortdirection{She grabs his beer and drinks it} \speaker{Vince} No! The dying must end here, now!\\ \speaker{Mree} Goodbye and thank you, friends.\\ I have done what was required.\\ \shortdirection{thus dies Mree} \speaker{Vince} No! That such a beautiful life was cut short,\\ Dead, as if written by some insane author?\\ \speaker{Steve} No time must be wasted. This tragic turn of events\\ Is horrible, yet life must continue. How awful.\\ The cause of this heinous event will be expos\'{e}d.\\ I now assume power as ascribed in our world's laws!\\ \speaker{Boy} I have analyzed the poison beer.\\ A microscope shows the scope of death.\\ A toxin from a bacterium\\ Has proven lethal to the monarch.\\ \speaker{Lizbeth} What company makes this liquid?\\ The brewery should be destroyed!\\ \speaker{Steve} An excellent idea, ma'am. It will be my first\\ Act as demagogue. Order must be restored at once.\\ Everyone, clear this dying room. Vengeance will be mine.\\ I must cope with this great loss. I must inform the world.\\ \speaker{Vince} \shortdirection{Aside} Something is not right about this.\\ Maybe the shock has dulled my wit.\\ \shortdirection{Exuent all but Gus} \speaker{Gus} I was going to inform Steve of the movement\\ Of the royal beer from its appointed place\\ But something leads me not to trust him right now.\\ Well maybe the lunar man can advise me.\\ \shortdirection{exit} % Act 3 Scene 1 \act \scene \setcounter{line}{1} \begin{setting} Press room in the bomb shelter of Demagogue headquarters, early the next day. \end{setting} \speaker{Steve} People of the world, I regret to inform you of\\ A tragic event. Late yesterday at a state meal\\ Our chief demagogue Scott met an untimely demise,\\ As did his chief minion, Mree. Despite this tragedy,\\ We must continue life, for it stops for no man.\\ As vice demagogue I have assumed control of Earth.\\ I am grieved about his death and an inquiry\\ Will be made. All hail Scott! Demagogue of our planet.\\ \shortdirection{much weeping and gnashing of teeth from the press} \speaker{Steve} \shortdirection{aside} What fools these journalists be! They are finally free!\nolinebreak\\ Free from the oppression that had plagued us for so long!\\ And yet they weep for their dead oppressor. Oh what fools.\\ I must maintain the mask of grief myself, lest they learn\\ It was I who caus‚d Scott's untimely end.\\ To gain credibility, I must damage Scott's.\\ The memory of his reign must be overshadowed.\\ He will be remember\'{e}d as the knave that he was!\\ \shortdirection{to crowd} It was in Scott's will that he asked one final request.\\ He wished to be remembered unconventionally.\\ In remembrance, wear a rutabaga in your hat!\\ \shortdirection{confused mumbling from the press} Yes, I know it is queer, but it was his final wish.\\ \shortdirection{aside} Maybe this vegetative act will undermine him.\\ % Act 3 Scene 2 \scene \setcounter{line}{1} \begin{setting} In kitchen. Vince and Gus. At night. \end{setting} \speaker{Vince} Hello? Is anybody here?\\ I received a message to meet\\ Someone here. Well here is the meat\\ Salted and smoked, but who is it\\ That has requested my presence?\\ \speaker{Gus} Ahh, my lunar leader, sir. It was I.\\ \speaker{Vince} Ahh, that such a young pretty face\\ Should have such a concern\'{e}d look.\\ Rendezvousing with strange women\\ What would my wife think about this?\\ But, Arr, I am digressing quick.\\ Why do you wish to speak with me?\\ \speaker{Gus} Oh, I'm a horrible person. Are you mad?\\ I was not sure whom to turn to as this point.\\ \speaker{Vince} Mad? No I'm certainly not mad.\\ Crazy? Maybe, but no, not mad.\\ I'm sure you're a good person.\\ An intelligent one too, I'd\\ Wager. Please, Please, calm yourself down.\\ \speaker{Gus} I am so affected that I cannot eat.\\ \speaker{Vince} Halt! You must pacify yourself!\\ Eat? Eat! You must always eat food.\\ Without nourishment you will waste\\ Away into something less than\\ A ghost. And yet Ghosts have substance.\\ Food nourishes the body and\\ Also the spirit. It gives life.\\ It adds flavor and spice to a\\ Cruel, bland, and harsh world. Eating is\\ One of the few joys allowed us\\ As we shuffle on this mortal\\ World. Without food we would soon starve.\\ From thought of food to food for thought\\ May I ask the blatant reason\\ For your summoning here of me?\\ \speaker{Gus} The night fore last, that fateful night of Scott's death\\ I was working in the kitchen area.\\ Trouble was brewing for his beer was wrong.\\ Mispositioned from where it should have been placed.\\ I wished to investigate further, but Scott,\\ In his reckless desire to quench his thirst,\\ Demanded the drink at too hasty a speed.\\ Although labeled an accident and blamed on\\ The brewer, I have my doubts and suspicions.\\ At night this kitchen is insecure.\\ A crafty traitor could easily sneak in\\ And covertly poison the demagogue's beer.\\ These thoughts I did ponder, when Lo, I did hear\\ Vice demagogue Steve rambling off to himself\\ A habit he frequently engages in.\\ But in eavesdropping I was horribly shocked!\\ I could not believe my auditory nerves.\\ Quoth Steve ``With the poison beer imbibed, I will\\ Have no trouble saving the world from that swine''\\ That is what he said, less or more, and I was\\ Shocked and scared and unsure of whom to turn to.\\ I have confided to you. Hopefully I can\\ Trust you when all other leaders are corrupt.\\ \speaker{Vince} The things you have said are heavy.\\ I must contemplate them some more.\\ You have done the right thing to tell\\ I must go now and make sense of\\ These horrible things you have said.\\ And if they are true, then God help\\ Us one and all. Thank you, maiden,\\ If anything else happens, just call.\\ \shortdirection{Exit Vince} \speaker{Gus} I have done the deed. I hope I was right.\\ \shortdirection{Exit} % Act 3 Scene 3 \scene \setcounter{line}{1} \begin{setting} Steve's Room \end{setting} \speaker{Steve} Rutabaga! Rutabaga! How I curse that word!\\ I am mocked in every hat by a rutabaga!\\ Great Scott! If someone so evil can gain such a cult,\\ I should have no problem when they see how good I am.\\ Surely I have shot an arrow over my house and\\ I have hit myself in the back of the head. Darn the\\ Orbital mechanics and the laws of that Newton.\\ I must implement my plans now and hope for the best.\\ \shortdirection{Enter aliens} \speaker{Charcoal} The time is ripe\\ We have returned now.\\ \speaker{Sugar} It is time to\\ Reap what we have sown.\\ \speaker{Yrbk} Yes, Sugar is right, I fear. Now the time has\\ Come to pay the piper. Truly your leadership\\ Is noble and exalted, but suggestions we have\\ That we believe you should consider right now.\\ \shortdirection{Hands book of demands over} \speaker{Steve} What form of nonsense is this? Of what are you talking?\\ These ideas of yours are ridiculously dumb!\\ Look at these! Removal of Social Security!\\ Mandatory Conscription for women! An end to\\ All unauthorized creative thought? Are you crazy?\\ What's this last one? Mandatory slavery for all\\ Able bodied Terrans? I cannot implement these!\\ \speaker{Yrbk} Ahh, but you will. We killed Scott for you, you see?\\ You owe us big. And if you are reluctant\\ To repay us, there is always the darkest\\ Kind of correspondence, not authorized by\\ The postmaster general and government.\\ \speaker{Steve} Blackmail?!? But you wouldn't! I trusted you completely!\\ \speaker{Yrbk} All is fair in love and world domination.\\ We used you, as well as your compatriots.\\ Because of your help in betraying your world\\ We might retain you as a figurehead. But all\\ This pends on how much help you will offer.\\ \speaker{Steve} I will not! I can not! I refuse to acknowledge.\\ \speaker{Yrbk} Remember that you, too, are expendable.\\ \speaker{Steve} Can I phase it in gently and retain some power?\\ \shortdirection{aside} I have dug a hole, jumped in, and pulled it in after.\\ I can only hope that in buying time I will think\\ Of some way out of this horrendous situation.\\ \shortdirection{normal} Can I inform the public tomorrow at high noon?\\ \speaker{Yrbk} That is acceptable. Just remember that\\ Resistance is futile. Our invasion force\\ Hovers ready to strike if anything bad\\ Occurs, or if you try to double cross us.\\ \shortdirection{Exuent} % Act 3 Scene 4 \scene \begin{setting} To crowd outside castle, from balcony. Next Day \end{setting} \setcounter{line}{1} \speaker{Steve} My fellow Terrans! I have some news that may shock you.\\ Aliens from beyond have come to our lonely world.\\ Coexist, we will, in harmony and happiness.\\ \shortdirection{Murmuring in crowd} \speaker{Steve} Please, Please, do not panic. Do not be alarm\'{e}d.\\ I have met with these beings and found them honorable.\\ They have come during a time of need and offered help.\\ I have agreed to let them help us in governing Earth.\\ \speaker{Reporter 3} \shortdirection{Reporters 1 and 2 could not make it} You would allow aliens\\ So soon after Scott's \\ Demise? Why these rutabagas\\ Are still fresh!\\ \shortdirection{Murmurs of agreement} \speaker{Steve} The aliens know much, much more\\ Their technology is far, far more superior.\\ They have scores of innovations they will implement.\\ Give them time and judge them not before they have acted.\\ Thus has Steve spoken; All who hear me will now obey.\\ \shortdirection{aside} I wish there was another way out of this quandary.\\ % Act 4 Scene 1 \act \scene \begin{setting} Mob in front of Demagogue Headquarters. One week later \end{setting} \setcounter{line}{1} \speaker{Rioter 1}We must see Steve!\\ \speaker{Rioter 2}Steve we must see!\\ \speaker{Rioter 3}See Steve we must!\\ \speaker{Erin} \shortdirection{Bursting out} What us this? Is there an echo out here?\\ What do you knaves want? What do you fools need?\\ Do you have a problem with my husband?\\ \speaker{Rioter 1}Yes, I do.\\ \speaker{Rioter 2}Same here.\\ \speaker{Rioter 3}Ditto.\\ \shortdirection{Yells of approval from the mob} \speaker{Erin} Well my husband is tired and busy.\\ Ruling the world is not easy you see.\\ \speaker{Rioter 1} Especially when aliens rule his mind!\\ But look! I have a 50\% tax on my income!\\ \speaker{Rioter 2} My farm has been turned into an internment camp!\\ \speaker{Rioter 3} My children's school has been condemned.\\ \shortdirection{Cheer from children} \speaker{Erin} We all have burdens to bear, I fear.\\ We all must suffer and that is called life.\\ I'm sorry if you've been inconvenienced.\\ All your complaints have been duly noted.\\ Now quit your yelling and let us have peace.\\ \shortdirection{aside} These people are right, my husband's a dolt.\\ \shortdirection{unaside} I go now and inform him of your pain.\\ \shortdirection{Exit} \speaker{Rioter 1} This would never have happened under the reign of Scott.\\ \speaker{Mob} \shortdirection{in unison} Rutabaga! Rutabaga! Rutabaga!\\ % Act 4 Scene 2 \scene \begin{setting} On the moon. Governor's Home, in a Dome \end{setting} \setcounter{line}{1} \speaker{Lizbeth} Husband, why must you leave me now?\\ I'm afraid of what might be.\\ We need your leadership skills here.\\ Going to Earth will magnify\\ Your burdens six-fold. Stay here please.\\ \speaker{Vince} Aye, my wife, I have to go now.\\ My friend Steve is over his head.\\ He needs guidance and I will guide.\\ The alien menace will soon\\ Be gone and behind us like the\\ Hydrocarbon Automobile.\\ My trip there will take hours and\\ I will have much to do, but the\\ Thought of you will speed my trip home.\\ \speaker{Lizbeth} Hurry home husband. I will miss\\ You with all my heart\\ \speaker{Vince} \phantomline{You with all my heart}--- and I, you.\\ \shortdirection{exit Vince} \speaker{Lizbeth} Aye, why did I marry this man?\\ To be a lonely pioneer \\ On this atmosphereless spheroid?\\ Why do I remain so faithful?\\ Back in my youth I had many\\ Boyfriends from which I could choose. I\\ Simultaneously had six\\ And could have had numerous more.\\ Of all the males devoted to\\ Me, why did I pick this eccentric?\\ From my fickle youth, how did I\\ Become so static and steadfast?\\ Certainly not his looks or charm.\\ Maybe his innocence and wit.\\ Whatever it is, I miss him\\ And Godspeed his journey back home.\\ \shortdirection{exit} % Act 4 Scene 3 \scene \begin{setting} Steve's Room \end{setting} \setcounter{line}{1} \speaker{Steve} \shortdirection{to viewscreen} But Yrbk, you are asking too much. Way, way too much.\\ It will cause riots and looting and revolution.\\ The human race will not stand for such great abuses.\\ \shortdirection{phone mumbling from Yrbk} Yes, I remember our agreement. \shortdirection{sighs} It shall be so.\\ \shortdirection{Click} These foolhardy aliens! They do not understand!\\ People will not stand this kind of treatment from beyond.\\ Earth is on the brink of chaos. I must act, but how?\\ \speaker{Erin} Husband Steve! A mob has formed on our lawn!\\ They demand remittance and reaction!\\ They want your neck! And the aliens gone!\\ Unfortunately I agree with them.\\ I want these aliens out of our lives!\\ \speaker{Steve} Dear wife, whose side are you on? Can't you see that I've tried?\\ \speaker{Erin} Well obviously you haven't tried enough.\\ \speaker{Steve} \shortdirection{Stands up mad. Flings over table} I'm trying to act in the best interests of Earth!\\ They would control us no matter who was in power!\\ \speaker{Erin} Before you were all action against Scott,\\ Whose acts you did think would ruin us all.\\ Aye, truly I say you are no better.\\ You have accomplished what is less than nought.\\ You are a horrible demagogue.\\ \speaker{Steve} \shortdirection{Silent. Mulls it over} My dear, dear, wife. How right you are. A fool I have been.\\ I must halt this evil before it becomes too late.\\ I must go now and plan what I will tell the people.\\ \shortdirection{exuent} % Act 4 Scene 4 \scene \begin{setting} Outside. Next Day. Bigger Mob. \end{setting} \setcounter{line}{1} \speaker{Boy} Avast ye rash people, calm must be\\ Hastened! A minute of calm will make\\ Clear our heads! We must now think things through.\\ \speaker{Mob} Rutabaga! Rutabaga! Kill Steve!\\ \speaker{Boy} \shortdirection{aside} The lunar governor is coming.\\ Methinks I shall await his presence.\\ I am confused for I am young.\\ This mob is obscuring my judgement.\\ \speaker{Mob} Rutabaga! Rutabaga! Kill Steve!\\ \speaker{Boy} No, we must not kill the demagogue!\\ \speaker{Mob} Kill the demagogue! Kill the demagogue!\\ \speaker{Boy} No! Scott is lost! He is gone! He would\\ Not want us to forsake Steve as well!\\ \speaker{Mob} Forsake Steve as well! Forsake Steve as well!\\ \speaker{Boy} Listen, before I spoke hastily.\\ I regret that error. You are lost.\\ Only Steve contacts the aliens.\\ Only through him can we find justice!\\ \speaker{Mob} Steve gets justice! Steve gets justice!\\ \longdirection{Mob rushes to castle with Boy on shoulders. He protests. Out bursts Steve} \speaker{Steve} Young rouge! How dare you lead this mob! You shall pay the price!\\ \longdirection{Draws sword and decapitates Boy. The End. You cannot kill Boy and hope to come out unscathed} As for you vultures, I have decided to confront\\ The aliens and take back our honor and planet.\\ \longdirection{Crowd somewhat shaken over boy, gradually realize what Steve has said and begin to cheer} The battle for Earth has begun. May God have mercy\\ On all of our souls.\\ \speaker{Mob} \phantomline{On all of our souls.}Rutabaga! Rutabaga! \shortdirection{exuent} % Act 5 Scene 1 \act \scene \setcounter{line}{1} \begin {setting} Joppatowne Space Port. Vince Landed. Being given Report by Gus, who is now a messenger \end{setting} \speaker{Gus} Good lunar leader. I have much to inform.\\ The battle for Bel Air has begun awhile.\\ Steve and his woman have been taken hostage.\\ The battle rages; The advantage is ours.\\ Without leadership, though, we have had problems.\\ \speaker{Vince} What of Boy? He is young, but capable.\\ Aye, I commanded him to keep control.\\ \speaker{Gus} Steve killed him without honor. Apparently\\ Due to a misunderstanding of motive.\\ \speaker{Vince} \shortdirection{sad} Arr. Boy was one of my very best men.\\ That he should be lost in the prime of life.\\ How many must die before this all ends?\\ \speaker{Gus} The quicker you lead, the less the casualties.\\ \speaker{Vince} You are wise beyond your years, young maiden.\\ Take me now to where I am needed most.\\ % Act 5 Scene 2 \scene \begin{setting} Bomb Shelter of Demagogue Headquarters \end{setting} \setcounter{line}{1} \speaker{Yrbk} The Earthlings do struggle. We will win the day.\\ Their superior intellect is no match\\ To our advanced weaponry. We will triumph.\\ \shortdirection{Young Seward, all in medieval garb, bursts in} \speaker{Y. Seward} I am young Seward, here to slay the foul Macbeth!\\ \speaker{Yrbk} Earthling! Not only do you have\\ The wrong play and castle, but you have also\\ Come a millennium too late! You dimwit!\\ \speaker{Y. Seward} \shortdirection{abashed} Oh sorry. I shall make a hasty departure\\ And leave, herewith.\\ \speaker{Yrbk} Foolish knave! You shall depart even faster!\\ This is a lesson to all who would be late!\\ \longdirection{Decapitates him with a laser-like weapon, possibly a laser} \speaker{Steve} \shortdirection{from Cell} Fool alien! T'were it necessary to do that?\\ The poor soul t'was only a bit disoriented.\\ \speaker{Yrbk} We have no need for human life. It clutters\\ This spheroid already. Every dead human\\ Is an improvement. Now be quiet or die.\\ \speaker{Erin} \shortdirection{Quietly} Ahh, I hope the battle goes well for us.\\ \speaker{Steve} \shortdirection{also quietly} I can only hope our soldiers have good leadership.\\ \speaker{Erin} Stupid man! You killed their only leader!\\ \speaker{Steve} What? I did no such thing. That would be suicidal.\\ \speaker{Erin} Fool! How could you not see! Boy was their man!\\ \speaker{Steve} What?! That little rabelrouser! He was inciting!\\ \speaker{Erin} You walked in late and jumped to conclusions.\\ \speaker{Steve} What? You mean I'm the one who destroyed our salvation?\\ \speaker{Erin} You have doomed our race to extinction.\\ Why did I ever choose to marry you?\\ \speaker{Steve} What have I done? I've doomed our planet. Arrr.\\ \shortdirection{broods a while. Mumbles I killed boy, etc} % Act 5 Scene 3 \scene \begin{setting} about 15 minutes later \end{setting} \setcounter{line}{1} \speaker{Yrbk} \shortdirection{comes close to bars of cell} Ahh, betrayer of your species\dots. would you like \dots\\ \longdirection{Steve grabs a pipe on the ground and lunges at Yrbk. Notice break in syllable count} \speaker{Steve} You rotten ball of slime! I'll show you\\ How to destroy a species!\\ \longdirection{zzzzzttt\dots. Yrbk vaporizes Steve with his weapon} \speaker{Yrbk} Ahhh, Steve, that it had to come to this sad end.\\ You showed promise in the art of deception.\\ Your flaw is that you were only human.\\ \shortdirection{turns away} \speaker{Erin} My husband! My husband! He is destroyed!\\ Aye! My nagging drove him to suicide!\\ I cannot live with this on my conscience!\\ Oh, Steve wait! I'm coming to join you now.\\ \longdirection{She impales herself on the pipe Steve had} \speaker{Yrbk} \shortdirection{inspecting what's left of the two} What fools these humans be. They have saved me the\\ Trouble of murdering them. Still they were worth\\ More to us alive than dead. I will have to \\ Keep unneeded pipes out of cells from now on.\\ \longdirection{Bam! Vince bursts in} \speaker{Vince} Surrender, vile creature! Die!\\ Your minions have been overpowr'd!\\ \speaker{Yrbk} Impossible! We have fantastic weapons!\\ \speaker{Vince} Aye, but they are reflectable\\ By photon reflectors; MIRRORS!\\ \longdirection{Yrbk shoots. Vince deflects with shiny sword} \speaker{Vince} Surrender now or I will be\\ Forced to halt your life with this sword!\\ \speaker{Yrbk} Ha! You and what army?\\ \speaker{Vince} \phantomline{Ha! You and what army?} The one\\ Currently occupying the\\ Courtyard. They will be here quite soon.\\ \speaker{Yrbk} You will never take me alive, I'm afraid.\\ \longdirection{grabs pipe. Starts sword-fighting} \speaker{Vince} Arrr! Well that's quite all right with me!\\ \longdirection{Fight, Clink, Clink, etc Yrbk trips Vince with pipe, Vince falls } \speaker{Yrbk} A hit! A hit! A very palpable hit!\\ \speaker{Vince} \shortdirection{gets up quickly} Oh yeah?\\ Well I learned Fencing from La Mahs! \shortdirection{famous sword guy}\\ \longdirection{Click, Clink, Swish, ow, clink, etc. Lots of theatrics} \speaker{Vince} Aye, I grow weary of this fight.\\ Look! Isn't that Halley's Comet?\\ \speaker{Yrbk} Where? \shortdirection{looks} \longdirection{Vince stabs her. Yrbk falls} Arrr! You have killed me. You were a worthy foe.\\ \speaker{Vince} You lived without honor and so\\ Shall you die in the same manner.\\ Aye, good riddance is what I say.\\ \shortdirection{sees bodies of Steve and Erin} Terrible carnage! Did you this?\\ \speaker{Yrbk} They brought it on themselves. Let me die in peace.\\ \shortdirection{dies} \speaker{Vince} Oh, their timing was bad. I came,\\ But I was just a bit late.\\ He would have faced a long jail term,\\ But with good behavior he would\\ Get out and still have time for life.\\ Since we are now demagogueless\\ I must inform the populace.\\ % Act 5 Scene 4 \scene \begin{setting} JC Football Field to large crowd. 4 hours later \end{setting} \setcounter{line}{1} \speaker{Vince} People of Earth, the aliens\\ Have been destroyed. We have won!\\ \longdirection{Cheers. yeah!} As you probably know by now\\ Acting Demagogue Steve has died.\\ Earth needs a strong ruler right now\\ To rebuild the desolation.\\ \speaker{Rioter 1}How about you?\\ \speaker{Rioter 2}Vince for Demagogue!\\ \longdirection{more cheers. Vince! Vince! etc} \speaker{Vince} Calm down! Calm down! Be quiet please!\\ I have considered this option.\\ Consolidating the moon and\\ Earth under one demagogueship\\ Might be a viable option.\\ Unfortunately the Earth is\\ Much larger than the moon and I\\ Am not qualified to run both.\\ Leading the moon is a simple\\ Task; The Earth is a complex place.\\ During the crisis, however\\ A certain young lady showed her\\ Loyalty to all humankind.\\ She acted with honor and skill\\ Foresight, Knowledge and Wisdom.\\ Her name is Gus, and I think that\\ She would make an ideal leader.\\ \longdirection{mumbles in the crowd} Gus, Gus? Introduce yourself now.\\ \shortdirection{Enter Gus} \speaker{Gus} Although this is a surprise, I feel I\\ Am ready to take total control of this place.\\ During the battle I'm the one who did\\ Destroy the alien's means of escape.\\ \longdirection{murmurs of admiration and recognition} Though a daunting task, it can be handled.\\ Terrans, will you give me a chance to lead?\\ \longdirection{murmurs.. Ok} \speaker{Rioter 1} All hail demagoguess Gus! \shortdirection{repeat} \speaker{Gus} \shortdirection{to Vince} I cannot thank you enough. What are you\\ Going to do with your life now, lunar friend?\\ \speaker{Vince} I will do what I can do best.\\ Wait, I have a call on my phone.\\ \shortdirection{wrist phone} \speaker{Lizbeth} Aye, husband, when will you be home?\\ For I have made cookies for you.\\ \speaker{Vince} Mmmmmm\dots\\ Cookies, the elixir of Life.\\ I must leave. Cookies await me!\\ \shortdirection{to mob} Earthlings I leave you in good hands!\\ \shortdirection{Exit Vince} \longdirection{\large FINIS} \end{verseplay} \newpage \appendix \begin{center} {\large {\bf Afterword and Footnotes}} \end{center} {\em The Tragedy of Steve} was originally written starting in the Fall of 1995. There was a break after about Act 2, and it was finished in the Spring of 1996. This ``Special Edition'' [with minimal changes to the main text] was written at the end of March 2001. I am pleased with how well the play still reads after 5 years. I was afraid there were too many inside jokes, but apparently it was written generally enough.\\ The whole thing started because I got fed up with reading Shakespeare, and unlike most people, I take out my literary aggressions by writing satire.\\ This ``Special Edition''started out as an exercise for me to learn \LaTeX\ type-setting, but it turned into a complete overhaul of the supporting text as well.\\ I wanted to include some footnotes, but unlike most student forms of Shakespeare's works there are no little numbers everywhere. The numbers clutter things, so you will have to look up the following passages by hand.\\ \begin{flushleft} {\bf {\large Some notes on the Characters:}} \end{flushleft} \begin{description} \item{\bf Scott:} Based on Scott D, the valedictorian. During high school he really was evil demagogue material, but since then has changed quite a bit and probably would not so easily fill the role. \item{\bf Steve:} The one and only. Does lead a tragic life, although not quite as conniving in real life. Was a good leader, and our deeds in the academic team will be sung about in song for decades to come. \item{\bf Erin:} Erin K. Not much to say here. I don't think I over-dramatized her too much, although the pairing of her w Steve was a humorous plot device at the time. \item{\bf Vince:} Not much to say. Obviously the easiest character to write. \item{\bf Lizbeth:} Liz D. I took some artistic liberty here, because at the time it would have been hard to imagine her as a doting wife. We always were supposed to get married and start a Guinea Pig and goat farm, and I think that's how she ended up paired with me in the play. \item{\bf Mree:} Marie P, called Mree by me. I ended up dating her for a few years, but that didn't happen until after I killed her off in the play. At the time I thought it was a pretty accurate portrayal of her. \item{\bf Boy:} My favorite character from {\em Henry V}. \item{\bf John:} John C. He only gets a really minor part here, but he's in the kitchen with Gus which seems appropriate somehow. \item{\bf Gus:} I wrote the first 2 acts before I dated Gus, and the rest of the play was written after we had broken up. Pretty accurate portrayal of her, although she comes across a bit whinier and timid in the play than she ever would in real life. And yes, she'd make a good demagoguess. \item{\bf Charcoal:} Really Brighid T. A weak pun off of her name [Brighid to Briquette to Charcoal Briquette. Yes I know, awful] \item{\bf Yrbk:} Rachael T. She was in the yearbook homeroom, so correspondence to her often had "Yrbk" written across the top of it. \item{\bf Sugar:} I honestly don't remember where this name came from. Possibly a play on Gus's name backwards? \item{\bf Young Seward:} From Macbeth. One of the inside jokes relating to the sadly lost-forever "AP English Macbeth video", the best video of all time starring the aforementioned Scott, Steve and I. It featured {\em Disasterpiece Theater}, poison beer, Young Seward, Laser-tag battles, and "The King" [da-da-dum] \end{description} \begin{flushleft} {\large {\bf Footnotes:}} \end{flushleft} \begin{description} \item{\bf Act 1 Scene 1}\\ The Computer takes the place of ghosts/specters that usually give the tone of impending doom in Shakespeare's plays.\\ (22) A million seconds is approximately 11 and a half days. \item{\bf Act 1 Scene 2}\\ Having things take place at the site of my High School (John Carroll) seemed amusing at the time.\\ (34) I remember I wished finding the tragic flaw was always this easy when analyzing plays.\\ (44) Bad pun alert.\\ (45) You'll notice I really enjoy getting extra syllables out of words using the \'{e}\ character.\\ (46) Another bad pun, although this one comes from reading {\em The Swiss Family Robinson.} In the translation I read, every other phrase seemed to be ``capital idea.''\\ (49) Doofus. What was I thinking. \item{\bf Act 1 Scene 3}\\ (21) GI Joe reference. \item{\bf Act 1 Scene 4}\\ (15) A strained Shakespeare reference.\\ \item{\bf Act 2 Scene 1}\\ (1\ ) I must say I had a lot of fun crafting Scott's dialogue in demagoguic verse.\\ (13) I assume I meant Hitler, but it could be Kaiser Wilhelm.\\ (24/25) I really like this rhyme, it's very Bill Watterson-esque. I hope I didn't steal it from him.\\ (27) The whole women==evil thing is a common motif through many of my stories.\\ (36) ``Arrrrrrrrr'' is a lot of fun to say. It should be pronounced as a pirate would say it. It occurs a lot in this play, probably in part due to my AP Calculus class with Mr.\ Appleby. It was fun trying to pronounce the inverse hyperbolic cosecant, argcsc.\\ (38) Nein being `No' in German. I slip into Germish too easily at times. \item{\bf Act 2 Scene 2}\\ (14) I am pretty sure spheroid is a reference to {\em Casey at the Bat}.\\ (15) Steve's immediate trust of the aliens always seemed like a plot hole to me, but I wasn't sure quite how to have the aliens earn his trust without overly complicating the play.\\ (19) ``Your name will be remembered always'' comes from a similar line in {\em Jesus Christ Superstar}.\\ (41) Grimm, and I spelled it as in the fairy-tales. This may also be partly in reference to a high school friend with that last name.\\ (42) Scott-free, bad bad bad pun.\\ (50) Resistors, spelled as in the electrical component that is often made of carbon. Subtle Electrical Engineer joke? I don't remember.\\ \item{\bf Act 2 Scene 3}\\ The whole beer thing dates to the previously mentioned Macbeth video. Instead of poisoning wine we were poisoning beer, and it just seemed so much more comical.\\ (23) Figmenting some delusions? Don't ask.\\ \item{\bf Act 2 Scene 4}\\ (12) I just have to say Betwixt is a cool word.\\ (16) Bad pun? Subtle forshadowing? I don't know.\\ (25) Verbatim line from our Macbeth video, but meant to be said as if Homer Simpson were saying it.\\ (29) ``I'm not evil'', a phrase often said by the real Marie.\\ (40) I think this line was added after I started dating her, with line 41 supposing to be a joke for the audience.\\ (47) A similar line is in They Might Be Giant's song ``It's not My Birthday''\\ (54) Dying room, as opposed to Living Room. A play on words of the similar sounding ``Dining Room.''\\ (54) Biblical reference. Romans 12:19. ``Beloved, do not look for revenge but leave room for the wrath; for it is written, `Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.' '' Advice Steve should take.\\ \item{\bf Act 3 Scene 1}\\ (9\ ) Obviously a reference to {\em A Midsummer's Night Dream}, which I've actually never read.\\ (16) Knave. I am sure I had a certain scene from the {\em Duck Tales} cartoon in mind when I used it.\\ (19) RUTABAGA! This is sort of making fun of the ``wear a leek in your hat'' from Henry V. It was hard trying to find a vegetable sillier than a leek.\\ (21) is vegetative really an adjective?\\ \item{\bf Act 3 Scene 2}\\ This scene is home to some of my worst puns.\\ (9\ ) This is somehow similar to a scene from the movie {\em Field of Dreams}.\\ (11) Digression, a cool word.\\ (13) This self doubt is not really in character for Gus. I must have thought it was important for the plot.\\ (20-35) The real Gus would often, in my opinion, not eat enough. This section is basically what my response to the situation was, though I am sure I was never quite so wordy in real life.\\ (31) Mortal coil and it'd be a Hamlet reference.\\ (38) OK this pun is worse than most of them here.\\ (56) The real life Gus would never be so distraught as to confide in me, so this scene had some personal amusement value at the time.\\ (59) Blatant reference from the movie {\em Back to the Future}.\\ \item{\bf Act 3 Scene 3}\\ (3\ ) Great Scott, while being a bad pun, is also a {\em Back to the Future} reference.\\ (5\ ) Another line stolen from our Macbeth video, and also referencing a similar line in either Macbeth or Hamlet, I forget which.\\ (27) A very wordy way of implying blackmail, I'll admit.\\ (38) A semi-famous analogy usually used to try to explain the concept of a black-hole in astronomy books.\\ (41) High noon? What is this, a cowboy movie?\\ \item{\bf Act 3 Scene 4}\\ (10) Never underestimate the power of fresh rutabagas.\\ \item{\bf Act 4 Scene 1}\\ (13) Back then I thought 50\% would be ridiculously huge. Now I know better.\\ \item{\bf Act 4 Scene 2}\\ Home in a Dome. I like settings that rhyme.\\ (11) I guess this is set in a futuristic world without cars. The play does still has a Jacobian timeframe feel. I never quite clearly worked out the play's world, but that's for the audience to dream up.\\ (17-35) This section of the play always drew the most negative comments. I needed a female character to have a long soliloquy. I also had to fix up a [at least to me] glaring plot-hole... why would Lizbeth be my wife. So I tried to solve both problems at once, but it ended up seeming to be a lot of self-praise, which was unintended. Believe it or not, I wasn't overexagerating my impression of her personal life that much.\\ \item{\bf Act 4 Scene 4}\\ (20) Never, ever kill Boy in a Shakespearean drama. Never.\\ \item{\bf Act 5 Scene 1}\\ Joppatowne is where I grew up. A great place for a spaceport, and convenient to Dictator Headquarters.\\ (3\ ) Bel Air, as in Bel Air, Maryland, the home of John Carroll. I always wondered what a battle for Bel Air would be like. Mainly a lot of smashed shopping centers I suppose.\\ (10) I really like this line.\\ (15) In reality I probably wouldn't make a good military leader, unless the battle was similar to Civ2.\\ \item{\bf Act 5 Scene 2}\\ John Carroll actually does have a bomb shelter. Sadly I never got to see it personally.\\ (2\ ) This saying is a paraphrase from a Simpson's Halloween special.\\ (4\ ) Young Seward, from the Macbeth video. Sadly there seems to be no cosmic consequences for killing him. Also, the originaly version had ``fowl Macbeth'' here, an interesting homonym.\\ (7\ ) A millenium too late would imply a year of 2057, assuming Macbeth was killed in 1057.\\ (11) No, this actually isn't a message to a few of my friends [both in this play] who are often consistently late.\\ (15) I use the word ``spheroid'' too often.\\ (23) Not exactly a reference, but jumping to conclusions always reminds me of {\em The Phantom Tollbooth}.\\ \item{\bf Act 5 Scene 3}\\ (10) The various and numerous methods of self immolation in Julius Caesar must have had an impact on me.\\ (11) I use this reference a bit too often too.\\ (14) A lesson we all could learn from.\\ (15) Me to the rescue!\\ (17) The photon reflector thing was a joke I had going w Nick A. We made up over-complicated names for common devices. Stairs were ``manual altitude adjusters'' and we had a few others. Yes, this is sort of a cheesy ``defeat aliens with primitive technology'' clich\'{e}, but it works.\\ (24) The JC courtyard is pretty small so hopefully the army is bigger than implied.\\ (28) A favorite Shakespeare line we used in the Macbeth video.\\ (30) Another line from Macbeth. At the time we all thought the similarity of his name to the birth-breathing method humorous. Possibly also a reference to {\em The Princess Bride}, which was a big influence on the Macbeth video.\\ (32) OK ok I admit a cheesy way out, and a very unfair way to kill the alien. But hey, if she's dumb enough to look\dots \\ (44) Ooh, a rhyming couplet to end the scene!\\ \item{\bf Act 5 Scene 4}\\ The twist-surprise ending! I wrote this far, and the obvious ending was for me to assume power. But in reality, I really don't want to rule the world. The moon, sure. But Earth is a pain. The problem was I had killed off all the other major characters. Gus was still left though, and I knew she'd make a good leader. But is it believable for the kitchen help to become leader? She had already broken up with me at this point, so that wasn't the reason I gave her the planet. In retrospect I think I did the right thing.\\ (4\ ) Acting demagogue, probably a reference to our ``Acting-Principal'' Mr. Scholl.\\ (29) Rationalizing the twist ending.\\ (36) I hope they never invent wrist-phones. Cellphones are bad enough.\\ (40) Cookies, a nice wife, and a minor-planet to rule. Who could ask for more?\\ \end{description} \end{document}